The Real Guide to Anal Sex (From the Bedroom, Not the Textbook)

Thinking about trying anal sex but not sure where to start — or even how to bring it up with your partner? You’re not alone. For something so talked about, it’s still wrapped in confusion, myths, and mixed advice.

Whether you’re just curious, a bit nervous, or you’ve tried it before and want to get more from it, this guide is here to help. Written from real-life experience (not textbook theory), we’ll walk you through what it actually feels like, how to prep properly, what to avoid, and how to make it genuinely enjoyable.

No pressure, no shame — just honest advice and tips that actually work, from people who’ve been there.

Let’s Talk About It: Why Anal’s Still a Taboo (But Shouldn’t Be)

For something that’s part of so many people’s sex lives, anal sex still carries a weird weight of taboo. It’s either joked about, made to seem “kinky,” or just brushed off as something a bit too much. But here’s the truth: anal sex is more common than most people admit, and when it’s done right, it can be seriously pleasurable — for everyone involved.

What puts most people off is the fear. Fear of pain, of doing something “dirty,” or of just not knowing how to even begin. We’ve been there — the nerves, the awkward chats, the wondering if it’s even worth trying. And we get it. But once you strip away the myths and pressure, anal sex becomes less of a mystery and more of a skill — something you can actually enjoy and grow comfortable with, as a couple or solo.

That’s why we’re writing this guide. Not from the textbook, not from some cringey over-medical source — but from real life. From trial and error. From moments that were hot and moments that, honestly, weren’t. Because learning how to enjoy anal isn’t just about technique — it’s about communication, curiosity, and being patient with yourself and your partner.

And let’s be real: if you’ve ever wondered about it, chances are your partner has too. Or they already love it and you’re the one playing catch-up. Either way, this isn’t a race. It’s just sex. And you get to do it in whatever way works for you — gently, confidently, with loads of lube and absolutely no shame.

Consent & Curiosity: Are You Both Really Up for Anal Sex?

After being together for over two decades, one thing we've learned is that trying something new in the bedroom isn’t about wild reinvention — it’s about trust, timing, and actually talking to each other. Anal sex is one of those things that can feel daunting to bring up, even after years together, especially if one of you isn’t sure how they feel about it. And honestly, that’s okay.

I’m not always in the mood for anal. Sometimes it just depends on the vibe — how relaxed I feel, how connected we are that night, and whether it feels right in the moment. And that’s completely okay.

What matters most is having the space to say yes or no without any pressure. It needs to feel safe to bring it up without making it awkward, and safe to say “not tonight” without anyone getting upset or turning it into a thing.

We’ve found it helps to frame it as curiosity, not a request or demand. Something like, “How do you feel about trying it again sometime?” or “Did you enjoy it last time, or was it too much?” You might be surprised by the answer — moods change, comfort grows, and sometimes just having that open, calm conversation leads to a whole new level of intimacy.

Bottom line (sorry again): if you’re not both genuinely into it, it’s not going to be good for either of you. But if you're even a little curious and feel like you can laugh and explore together? That’s when it gets interesting.

How to Relax Before Anal Sex (Yes, Mentally and Physically)

Let’s be honest — anal sex is never just physical. If your head’s not in the right place, your body won’t be either. It took me a while to realise that when things felt uncomfortable, it wasn’t always about the angle or the lube — sometimes, I just wasn’t relaxed enough, or I felt like things were moving too fast.

For me, the best anal experiences always start with zero pressure and plenty of patience. No ticking clock. No expectation. Just slow touches, kisses, teasing — the kind of connection that tells your body, “It’s safe to enjoy this.”

A huge part of relaxing is mental space. If I feel like I can say “not tonight” and it’ll be totally okay, I’m way more likely to actually want it. There’s something freeing in knowing that you’re in control of how far things go — and when that choice is truly respected, it changes everything.

Physically, a warm-up helps loads. Butt plugs, soft toys, even just external play around the area with fingers, tongues, or light pressure can make all the difference. It’s not about racing to the main event — it’s about getting your body to that point where it’s open, responsive, and fully into it.

And yes, there have been times when someone (ahem) gets a bit overexcited and jumps ahead — and it kills the mood fast. So now we know better. He takes his time, I speak up, and we’ve learned to laugh through the moments that don’t go to plan. Because that’s real intimacy — listening, slowing down, and genuinely wanting each other to feel good.

The Prep That Actually Matters (Hygiene, Headspace & Getting Ready)

Let’s be honest — if you skip the prep, you’re setting yourself up for failure. Anal isn’t something you just dive into on a whim (at least, not if you want it to feel good). What makes anal enjoyable is rarely just about the act itself — it’s about everything that happens before.

First up: hygiene. One of the biggest worries people have is whether they’re clean “enough” for anal. Here’s the truth: if you’ve been to the toilet earlier in the day and you’re not feeling bloated or gassy, you’re probably fine. The rectum is usually empty unless you’re about to go. You don’t need a massive clean-out unless it makes you feel more confident.

If you do want to freshen up, a quick rinse in the shower is usually plenty. And if you’re feeling anxious, a gentle anal douche with warm water (never soap) can help — but only once, and definitely not right before sex. Your body needs time to settle. Over-cleaning can actually make things worse. This should feel reassuring, not like a chemistry experiment.

Now, onto the rest of the prep — which honestly matters even more.

Mentally, you’ve got to feel relaxed and in control. If I feel rushed, unsure, or like it’s “expected,” I instantly tense up. Anal only works when it feels like a choice — not a surprise. Being able to say “not tonight” (and knowing that’ll be totally fine) is what makes me way more likely to actually want it.

Physically, warming up is key. A few minutes of teasing, kissing, soft touches — not even touching there yet — helps set the mood. Then slowly, you can start to include fingers, small toys, or even just gentle pressure around the outside. This isn’t a race. The more time you give to that gentle build-up, the better it feels.

If I’m using toys, I’ll start with something small and soft like a beginner plug or bead set, with plenty of lube. And yes — lube deserves its own section, but let’s just say here: use loads. Reapply. Then reapply again. The more glide, the better the ride.

So what’s “good prep” actually look like?

• 💜 A quick rinse if you want it.
• 💜 Time to relax.
• 💜 Foreplay that gets your whole body ready.
• 💜 And no pressure — just curiosity, comfort, and control.

That’s what sets the stage for anal that actually feels amazing.

Best Lubricants for Anal Sex (And Why It’s Non-Negotiable)

If there’s one thing I will never shut up about when it comes to anal, it’s lube. And not just any lube — proper anal lube. The thick, long-lasting kind that makes everything feel smoother, slower, and way less intimidating.

Unlike vaginal sex, the back door doesn’t self-lubricate. That means lube isn’t a bonus — it’s an absolute must. Without it, things can feel scratchy, sore, or just plain wrong. Trust me, no matter how turned on you are, skipping lube with anal is a fast track to “nope.”

We’ve tried loads over the years, and what I’ve found is this: water-based lube is great for toys, especially if you’re using silicone or anything with texture. It’s easy to clean up and doesn’t damage your plugs or vibes. But for longer sessions — or just when you want it to feel extra slick — silicone-based lube is a game changer. It lasts forever, doesn’t dry out, and gives that almost-gliding feel that helps everything stay relaxed.

My go-to now? A decent dollop of silicone lube for skin-on-skin stuff, and a water-based one on toys if I’m mixing it up. Sometimes we even double up — a water-based one to get going and silicone over the top when it starts to warm up.

Also, a little tip: don’t be shy with it. You’re not “using too much” — you’re making it better. Whether it’s fingers, toys, or your partner’s body, the more glide you’ve got, the more pleasure (and less tension) you’ll feel.

Basically, lube is your best friend back there — and once you’ve used the right one, you’ll never go back to dry, awkward fumbling. Promise.

Beginner-Friendly Anal Sex Tips (Start Slow, Go Gentle)

Let’s be real — anal sex is all about the build-up. You don’t just go from zero to full throttle. It’s about easing in, warming up, and reading the room — and each other.

Start with touch. Not just anywhere, but there. Teasing the outside with your fingers, soft strokes, even your tongue (if that’s your thing) can send shivers through the body before anything actually goes in. This isn’t a race — it’s a slow, delicious climb.

Lube is your absolute best friend here. We’re talking thick, slick, body-safe anal lube — not the stuff that dries up in a minute or makes things sticky. Even a single finger needs it. Trust me: if it’s not slippery, it’s not happening. No matter how turned on I am, if there's no lube, my body tenses up instantly. The right glide makes everything smoother, safer, and sexier.

And if you’re using fingers — go gently, slowly, and watch those nails. One sharp edge or rough cuticle can ruin the moment before it even starts. Trim, file, and smooth everything down. The goal isn’t just to get in — it’s to make every touch feel irresistible.

Here’s what we’ve learned: when you take your time, and I mean really take it slow — letting each movement build naturally — your body responds. You start to crave more. What began as curiosity turns into something intense and intimate. That’s when you know you’ve done it right.

What Does Anal Sex Feel Like? (And What It Shouldn’t)

Let’s get into it — what does anal sex actually feel like? Honestly? It’s hard to describe… and that’s part of the thrill.

When it’s done right — slowly, with care, plenty of lube, and a real connection — it doesn’t feel painful. It feels full. Deep. Different. There’s a sense of pressure, yes, but in the good kind of way. Like you’re being stretched in a place that’s wired for pleasure but needs the right rhythm to unlock it.

It doesn’t feel like vaginal sex. That’s softer, more familiar. Anal, when you’re in the mood and fully relaxed, feels naughtier. More forbidden. There’s something about the tightness, the control, and the sheer intensity of it that can make your whole body light up — if you let yourself go.

For me, the most surprising thing wasn’t just the physical sensation. It was how turned on I felt after. Like it rewired the rest of my body to respond differently — like my brain and body had just discovered a whole new frequency.

But here’s the important bit: if it stings, burns, or you’re bracing yourself the whole time — that’s not right. That’s your body telling you to slow down, add more lube, or stop altogether. Anal sex should never feel like you’re gritting your teeth to get through it.

You’ll know it’s working when it stops feeling like a goal and starts feeling like part of the pleasure. When you’re not focused on what’s going in, but on how it’s making you feel — stretched, filled, overwhelmed in the best possible way. That’s the magic. And yes, it really can be that good.

Top Anal Toys for Beginners (And How to Actually Use Them)

If you’re curious about anal play but don’t know where to start, toys are honestly the best way in. They let you explore at your own pace, figure out what feels good, and build confidence before bringing anyone else into the mix. And trust me — a little solo experimenting goes a long way.

So what should you try first? For absolute beginners, a slim, body-safe butt plug is the perfect introduction. Something small, soft, and made with a flared base (so it can’t get lost!) is non-negotiable. The Classic Smooth Butt Plug Small Flesh Pink is a great starter — small enough not to scare you, but shaped to give you that little pop of fullness.

Then there are beads, which are all about rhythm and sensation. The Pink Chain of 10 Anal Beads work beautifully for teasing and building up, especially if you’re curious about how different sizes feel. Just don’t rush — ease them in, one bead at a time, and always listen to your body.

Want a bit of a buzz? A vibrating anal toy like the Rocks Off Teazer Petite Sensations Purple Butt Plug gives you that next-level stimulation once you're comfortable. It can feel incredible during solo play or even while doing other things (you don’t always need to go all in for it to turn you on).

And don’t overlook lube. So much lube. Use a thick, long-lasting anal lube — water-based is best if you’re using silicone toys. Reapply often, go slow, and make it slippery from the start. Lovedo offers a variety of options in their Lubricants and Oils section.

Most importantly: take your time. Breathe. Explore. Try different angles, play with depth, and learn what makes you feel good. This isn’t about hitting some goal — it’s about finding what brings you pleasure in your own time.

Anal Sex Positions That Feel Amazing

Let’s be honest — position makes a massive difference when it comes to anal. What feels good, what feels too deep, what gives you control... it all comes down to how you’re lined up.

If it’s your first time or you’re still getting used to the feeling, spooning is your best friend. It’s intimate, relaxed, and gives you total control over depth. You can breathe, stay close, and adjust without feeling exposed. Plus, you can use your hand on your clit or hold a toy there while you’re doing it — which is honestly a game-changer.

Another beginner-friendly fave? Cowgirl (you on top). It might sound intense, but hear me out — you control everything. Angle, speed, depth, when to stop, when to rock back and forth. If you're curious but nervous, this position can make you feel empowered, not overwhelmed.

Doggy style gets all the hype, but it's not always the best starting point. It can go deep, fast — which can be amazing when you're ready for it, but a bit much at the beginning. If you do try it, prop yourself up on a pillow, keep your knees close together, and make sure you’re already really turned on.

If you want to get more playful, edge-of-the-bed with legs raised (either held by your partner or resting on their shoulders) can feel surprisingly good once you're comfortable. It opens you up, keeps you supported, and gives your partner a clear view — if you're into that.

No matter the position, the golden rule is the same: take it slow, communicate, and don’t be afraid to stop or change things up. Anal isn’t about being acrobatic — it’s about finding what makes you feel amazing in your own body.

Safety First: Lube, Condoms & Communication

Let’s not skip over this bit — safety isn’t boring, it’s what keeps anal feeling amazing.

First things first: lube is non-negotiable. Anal doesn’t self-lubricate, so you need loads of the good stuff. Use a thick, body-safe anal lube — water-based if you’re using silicone toys, silicone-based if you want something that lasts longer. And don’t be shy with it. Reapply as often as you need. We’re talking slippery, not sticky.

Next up — condoms. Even if you’re in a monogamous relationship, anal can introduce bacteria you don’t want travelling elsewhere. Switching between anal and vaginal play? Always change the condom (or rinse/clean toys thoroughly). It’s not about being clinical — it’s about being kind to your body.

And the big one: talk to each other. Seriously. Don’t try anal without discussing it first, and definitely don’t push ahead in the heat of the moment hoping they’ll go along with it. Consent is ongoing, and checking in — “Does this feel okay?”, “Want to slow down?” — is sexy, not awkward. It shows you care.

Also, don’t feel like once you’ve started, you have to see it through. If something doesn’t feel right — mentally or physically — stop. Reset. Try again another day, or don’t. There’s no medal for powering through. The goal is pleasure, not performance.

So yeah, be safe, be clean, and be honest. That’s what makes anal fun — not just the sensation, but knowing you’re both totally into it, together.

How to Talk About It Afterwards (Without the Awkwardness)

So… you did it. Or you gave it a go. Or maybe you tried and then stopped. However it played out, talking about it afterwards matters just as much as the prep.

And no, it doesn’t have to be a big awkward debrief. But ignoring it like it never happened? That’s not it either. Checking in builds trust, helps you both feel more connected, and honestly — it can be pretty sexy too.

It can be as simple as, “Did that feel good for you?” or “Would you want to try that again sometime?” If something felt amazing, say it. Reinforce it. Build on it. And if something didn’t work? Be kind, but be honest. “It felt a bit much at that angle” is way better than saying nothing and silently dreading next time.

If you’re the one who suggested it, make space for your partner’s feelings — whether they’re buzzing from it or a bit unsure. There’s no right way to feel after anal. It’s not a performance, it’s an experience — and like any good experience, it helps to talk about what you liked (and what you’d do differently).

Sometimes those post-sex chats can actually turn you on again. A little whisper in bed about how good that stretch felt or how turned on you got — that’s not awkward, that’s connection. And if nothing else, laughing about the lube explosion or the weird noise is a great way to break any tension.

Talking about anal doesn’t ruin the mood. It makes the next time better — and more importantly, it makes you both feel safe, heard, and turned on.

Final Thoughts: Real Pleasure Comes from Trust, Not Tricks

Anal sex gets hyped up in porn, whispered about in group chats, and built up to feel like some big taboo. But when you strip all that away, it’s just another way to connect — if you want it to be.

There’s no right way to do it. No gold star for how far you go or how many toys you try. The real pleasure comes from feeling safe, turned on, and totally in control of your own experience. That’s what makes it hot — not some acrobatic position or wild technique, but the fact that you wanted it, and you felt good doing it.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned after years together, it’s that trying something new only works when you can laugh, talk, stop halfway, or say “not tonight” — and still feel completely loved. That’s real trust. And honestly? That’s where the best sex comes from, every single time.

So if you’re curious, go for it. But do it your way — with care, communication, and as much lube as your nightstand can handle. Explore, experiment, and don’t take it all too seriously.

Because when it feels right, when you’re both into it, and when the connection’s there? That’s when anal becomes not just possible — but absolutely worth it.

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