Which Sex Toy Is Right for Me? A Calm Beginner’s Guide

If you’re here, there’s a good chance you’ve already spent some time looking at sex toys and ended up feeling more confused than when you started. Too many options, too much noise, and not enough reassurance that you’re even looking in the right place.

That’s exactly why we wanted to write this. 

When we first explored sex toys ourselves, it wasn’t about being adventurous or chasing anything extreme. It was about curiosity, connection, and wanting to understand what might actually feel good for us, without feeling awkward, pressured, or judged. And honestly, that part is rarely talked about.

This guide isn’t here to tell you what you should buy, what you should enjoy, or how far you should go. It’s here to help you slow things down and work out what feels right for you, based on how you feel, where you are in your life, and what you’re genuinely curious about right now.

Whether this is your very first time looking at a sex toy, or you’ve tried before and felt unsure, you’re not behind, and you’re not doing anything wrong. Most people don’t start with confidence. They start with questions.

That’s what this page is for. 

If You’re Feeling Unsure, That’s Completely Normal

Most people assume that everyone else somehow knows what they’re doing when it comes to sex toys. In reality, almost everyone starts out feeling uncertain. Unsure what things are for. Unsure what will feel good. Unsure whether they’ll even like it once it arrives.

That uncertainty isn’t a sign that you’re out of your depth. It’s a sign that you’re approaching something new without a script, and that’s normal.

Sex toys aren’t something most of us were ever taught about in a calm, practical way. We pick things up from adverts, jokes, or half-helpful articles that jump straight to recommendations without explaining how to decide what actually suits you.

A lot of the worry comes from feeling like you need to get it right the first time. People worry about choosing something too strong, too big, too obvious, or simply not “them”. Others worry about wasting money, or buying something that ends up at the back of a drawer, unused and quietly disappointing.

Those worries make sense. Choosing a sex toy isn’t just about a product. It’s about comfort, privacy, confidence, and sometimes even how you feel about your own body.

Feeling unsure at this stage doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you haven’t been given the kind of guidance that actually helps. If you want a calmer place to start, have a look through our Beginner Guides.

There Isn’t One “Correct” Place to Start

One of the biggest myths around sex toys is the idea that there’s a proper order. As if there’s a first toy everyone buys, followed by the next step, and then something more advanced once you’ve gained enough confidence.

That isn’t how real people explore pleasure.

Some people start with something very gentle and discreet. Others are curious about stronger sensations straight away. Some are buying for themselves, some are thinking about a partner, and some are simply exploring because they want to understand their own body a little better.

None of these starting points are better than the others.

What matters most is how a toy makes you feel before you’ve even used it. Does it feel approachable, or does it feel like too much? Can you imagine yourself trying it without feeling embarrassed or pressured? Does it fit your comfort level right now, not the version of yourself you think you should be?

We’ve seen many people put themselves off completely because they felt they chose the wrong thing the first time. In most cases, nothing was actually wrong with the toy. It just wasn’t right for where they were at that moment.

That doesn’t mean sex toys aren’t for them. It simply means their starting point needed to be different.

You’re allowed to take this slowly. You’re allowed to choose something simple. You’re also allowed to change your mind later. There’s no deadline, no expectation, and no single path you have to follow.

Start With How You Want to Feel

Before thinking about types of toys, features, or categories, it helps to pause and think about something much simpler. How do you actually want to feel?

This is where a lot of people get stuck, because they start by looking at products instead of starting with themselves. When you begin with how you want to feel, the choices narrow down naturally and things stop feeling so overwhelming.

Some people are looking for relaxation. Something gentle that helps them unwind, switch off, and enjoy a quiet moment to themselves. Others are feeling curious and want to explore new sensations without anything feeling intense or intimidating.

Some want to feel more connected to their body again, especially if they’ve felt a bit distant from it for a while. Others are thinking about connection with a partner, not necessarily about doing anything extreme, but about bringing a bit of playfulness back or sharing something new without pressure.

For many people, privacy matters most. They want something discreet, quiet, and easy to use without drawing attention or feeling exposed.

There’s no wrong answer here. You don’t have to want excitement, and you don’t have to chase a big experience. Starting with how you want to feel gives you permission to choose something that fits your life right now.

Once you’re clear on that feeling, choosing a toy becomes much less about guessing and much more about fit.

A Simple Way to Narrow Things Down

Once you have a sense of how you want to feel, it becomes easier to ask a few practical questions that gently narrow your options without boxing you in.

Think about whether you’re buying something mainly for yourself, or whether you’re hoping to share it with a partner. Solo toys and couples toys can overlap, but the intention behind them often feels different. One is about private exploration, the other about shared moments, communication, and connection.

It also helps to consider how hands-on you want to be. Some people like the control and intimacy of holding and guiding something themselves. Others prefer something that can be placed, worn, or left to do its thing while they focus on how it feels.

Noise and discretion matter more than people expect. If you live with others, have thin walls, or simply value privacy, quieter and more subtle designs can make a big difference to how relaxed you feel using something.

Size and intensity are another common concern. Many beginners assume they need to avoid anything powerful, while others worry that gentle means ineffective. In reality, comfort comes from balance.

You don’t need to answer all of these questions perfectly. Even having a rough idea helps guide you toward options that feel less like a gamble and more like a considered choice.

If You’re Buying Something Just for You

If you’re choosing a sex toy for solo use, the most important thing is that it feels comfortable and unintimidating. This isn’t about performance or chasing a particular outcome. It’s about giving yourself the space to explore without pressure or expectations.

Many people find that starting with something small and simple helps build confidence. A toy that’s easy to understand, easy to hold, and easy to put away afterwards often feels far more inviting than something packed with features you don’t yet need. If you’re still unsure what “beginner-friendly” really means, our Beginner Guides walk you through it without the pressure.

Feeling relaxed and in control makes it much easier to enjoy the experience, especially at the beginning.

Privacy plays a big role here. Knowing that something is discreet, quiet, and easy to store can remove a lot of the tension people feel when they’re new to this. When you’re not worrying about noise, mess, or being interrupted, it’s easier to focus on how your body responds.

It’s also worth remembering that solo exploration doesn’t need to look like anything in particular. There’s no rush, no finish line, and no right way to use a toy. Some people enjoy a slow, curious approach. Others discover they like very specific sensations.

Both are completely valid.

Choosing something for yourself is about comfort, curiosity, and trusting your own pace. If a toy feels like it gives you permission to explore rather than pushing you to perform, you’re probably on the right track.

If You’re Thinking About Buying for a Couple

Buying a sex toy to use with a partner can bring up a different set of thoughts and worries. People often wonder whether it will feel awkward, whether it might replace something, or whether it could make one person feel pressured or unsure.

Those concerns are far more common than most couples admit.

When toys are introduced with care and communication, they’re not about replacing anyone or fixing a problem. They’re simply another way to share intimacy, explore together, and create moments that feel playful rather than performative.

For many couples, a toy becomes something that helps them slow down, focus on each other, and enjoy closeness without expectations.

It helps to think about what kind of experience you want to share. Some couples look for something subtle that adds a gentle layer of sensation. Others want something that encourages touch, conversation, and laughter.

What matters most is that both people feel comfortable and included in the decision.

Starting small often makes the experience feel more natural. Something easy to use, unintimidating, and clearly designed for shared enjoyment can make the first step feel exciting instead of awkward. If that “how do we even bring this up?” feeling is the main hurdle, this guide helps: How to Introduce Sex Toys into a Relationship (Without It Getting Awkward).

When a toy feels like an invitation rather than a demand, it tends to bring people closer rather than create distance.

If Anal Play Has Crossed Your Mind but Feels Intimidating

A lot of people are curious about anal play long before they feel ready to talk about it out loud. It’s one of those topics that can spark interest and anxiety at the same time, especially if most of what you’ve seen makes it look extreme or uncomfortable.

It’s important to know that anal play doesn’t have to mean anything specific. It doesn’t have to involve penetration, and it certainly doesn’t have to involve going further than you’re comfortable with.

For many people, it starts with curiosity rather than action, or with gentle external stimulation rather than anything internal at all.

One of the reasons anal play can feel daunting is because it’s rarely explained in a reassuring way. There’s often a focus on doing it properly instead of feeling safe and relaxed.

In reality, comfort, patience, and trust matter far more than technique. Going slowly, using plenty of lubrication, and stopping whenever something doesn’t feel right are not signs of failure. They’re signs you’re listening to your body.

It’s also completely valid to decide that anal play isn’t for you, either now or ever. Curiosity doesn’t create obligation. You’re allowed to explore the idea, learn about it, and still choose not to go there.

If you do decide to explore it at some point, starting with toys designed specifically for beginners can make the experience feel far less intimidating. If you want to explore the topic properly first, our Anal Play hub pulls everything together in one place.

The most important thing is that any exploration happens on your terms, at your pace, and only if it feels genuinely right for you.

Quiet, Discreet, and Easy to Live With

One of the things beginners rarely think about until after they’ve bought something is how a toy fits into real life. Noise, storage, and discretion can matter just as much as how something feels, especially if you share a home or value your privacy.

Feeling relaxed is a big part of enjoyment. If you’re worried about being heard, interrupted, or having to hide something awkwardly, it can be hard to fully switch off.

Quieter designs, simple shapes, and toys that don’t look intimidating at first glance often help people feel more comfortable using them regularly rather than once and never again.

Discretion also matters when it comes to delivery and storage. Knowing something arrives quietly and can be tucked away easily removes a lot of the mental friction that stops people from enjoying what they’ve bought.

When a toy feels like it fits naturally into your space, rather than needing to be hidden away in a panic, it becomes much easier to see it as a normal part of self-care or intimacy.

These practical details don’t make a toy boring. They make it usable. For beginners especially, feeling at ease in your environment often matters more than chasing intensity or features you may not even want yet.

Common Worries That Come Up for Beginners

Even after narrowing things down, a few worries tend to linger. They’re rarely about the toy itself and more about what it might mean if things don’t go exactly as expected.

One common fear is choosing the wrong thing. People worry they’ll spend money on something they don’t use, or that they’ll realise too late it wasn’t right for them. That fear can make it tempting to keep researching endlessly instead of choosing anything at all.

In reality, learning what you like often comes from trying something, not from getting it perfect the first time.

Another worry is how it might feel emotionally, especially if a partner is involved. Some people worry it could feel awkward, or that it might highlight differences in desire.

These concerns usually soften when toys are introduced as an option rather than an expectation. When curiosity leads the decision, rather than pressure, the experience tends to feel much more positive.

There’s also the quiet concern of what happens if you don’t enjoy it. This is completely valid. Trying something new doesn’t guarantee you’ll love it, and that doesn’t mean you’ve failed or done something wrong.

Sometimes discovering what you don’t like is just as useful as discovering what you do.

All of these worries are part of starting something unfamiliar. They don’t mean you should stop. They simply mean it’s worth choosing thoughtfully, giving yourself time, and allowing the experience to unfold without judging it too quickly.

You Don’t Have to Get It Right the First Time

One of the most freeing things to accept when choosing a sex toy is that your first choice doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to unlock something instantly or become a permanent favourite.

It just needs to feel like a comfortable first step.

Exploration is rarely linear. What feels right now might change later, and that’s completely normal. Confidence grows through experience, not through picking the ideal product on the first attempt.

Giving yourself permission to try something, sit with it, and see how it feels takes away a lot of the pressure that can make this process stressful.

It’s also okay if your experience is quieter or subtler than you expected. Not every moment needs to be intense to be meaningful.

Sometimes the biggest shift is simply feeling more at ease with your body, your curiosity, or your ability to choose something for yourself without overthinking it.

Starting where you are, rather than where you think you should be, makes the whole experience feel more honest and sustainable.

That’s what helps exploration feel like a choice, not a challenge.

Where to Go From Here

If you’ve read this far, you don’t need to rush into anything. The most important part is that you now have a clearer sense of what matters to you, and that alone makes choosing easier.

Some people like to take the next step by browsing beginner-friendly guides and learning a bit more about specific options at their own pace. Others prefer to sit with the idea for a while before deciding.

Both are completely fine. There’s no timeline you need to follow.

If you do decide to explore further, try to keep the same mindset you’ve had while reading this. Choose things that feel approachable rather than impressive. Let curiosity guide you instead of pressure.

And remember that enjoying the process of choosing is just as important as what you eventually pick.

Pleasure doesn’t come from getting it right straight away. It comes from feeling comfortable enough to explore on your own terms.

That’s always been the point.